May 12: Pied Piper Pitt Day

It is May 12. Pied Piper Pitt Day! Let the bells ring out in joy! Gather up your family for the celebrations! Today we honor the man who on May 12, 2006, just 24 business hours ago, broke the big journalistic scoop that Karl Rove had already been indicted.

It was shortly after this revelation and arrest of Rove that William Rivers Pitt became the toast of the journalism world. He quickly left Truthout behind to become a regular guest on MSNBC and a respected pundit published far and wide. He could often be spotted in Peter Luger's steakhouse holding court in his new role as an unofficial member of President Obama's cabinet. Oh, hello Mr. Treasury Secretary. Yes, I would be happy to discuss the effects of tax increases on the economy with you when I find the time. Ah, Bob Shrum! My punditry partner in crime. We must get together sometime soon. Perhaps a joint appearance on Hardball. Yes, yes. I do have a new book deal. Simon & Shuster. I can't say what the advance amount is except that it is in the high 6 figures.

Yes, life is good for Will ever since he broke the scoop that has become known as "Fitzmas." A respected member of the journalism community known far and wide. The road ahead appears to be covered with roses and...

OH GOD!!! What has happened? Why am I now living out a horrible nightmare? How often do I dream of that alternate universe that looked so inevitable just 3 short years ago! A dream now lost! Why? Why? WHY???

Scorned. Humiliated. And, above all, MOCKED! How did I come to this sad fate?

Oh Dear God in Whom I Don't Believe! Why do you hate me so? Would it have been so hard to have tossed me the Karl Rove indictment? It was all but a done deal. David Shuster practically guaranteed that indictment. Was this some sort of sick cosmic joke on your part?

How did I fall into that indictment scoop trap? Hardly an hour goes by when I don't yearn to go back in time and warn myself. WARNING! WARNING! DANGER WILL RIVERS!!! Do NOT listen to that obvious scam artist; the fraud known as Jason Leopold!

Yes, Jason. You and I will have some serious words when next we meet. Words? Hell! I WILL GOUGE OUT YOUR DAMN EYEBALLS!!! RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE AND THEN STOMP ON IT!!! How dare you! How dare you ruin the career of a budding journalist with greatness just around the corner!!! YOU LOUSY LOWLIFE HUSTLER!!! YOU RUINED ME!!!!!

But as mad as I am at the degenerate Leopold, I am even angrier at myself. Why couldn't I have spotted all the many signs that screamed "fraudster" that were staring me in the face? The Washington Post already had an ARTICLE identifying Leopold as a sleazebag liar, cheat, and backstabbing drug addict. What the hell else did I need to see the danger ahead? Instead, I placed my entire future in a Jason Leopold blind trust. Why? Because of that alluring brass ring. Just one inevitable scoop that I could have pretended to break and the world would have been my oyster. IDIOT!!! Yeah, that's what I scream at myself many times a day when I bash my head against the wall in a primal scream of rage: IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT!!!

Okay, I feel better now...NOT! Instead of that alternate universe that should have been that was denied me by a God in whom I don't believe, I am now condemned to spend the rest of my days living out hell on earth. And the worst of it is the mockery from that Evil Beaver of the Site that Shall Not Be Named.

So are you proud of me, Mumsy? Your little Sonny Boy has really upheld the long distinguished line of Pitts. William Pitt the Elder. William Pitt the Younger. And now William Pitt the Blunder.

I can try to forget the pain. Oh, how I try. Binges at Bukowski's. Buying drinks for all around so they can be my friends. Sucking down three packs of cigarettes a day and holding the toxic nicotine fumes in my lungs for as long as possible. But it doesn't work. At the end of it all. In the early pre-dawn hours when under the blankets when I cannot sleep, there are the bitter tears. The salt burning into my cheeks like hot acid reminding me of what could have been. What SHOULD have been, DAMMIT!!!

So have a happy Pied Piper Pitt Day, folks! Enjoy yourselves. And if a certain Jason Leopold should show up at your celebrations, tell him that Will doesn't really hold a grudge against him any longer... To HELL with that!!! STOMP HIS UGLY FACE INTO THE GROUND!!! Give him the PAIN that he has given me! SHOW HIM NO MERCY!!!

Oh, and Merry Fitzmas!